


Catch Me When I Fall

by LokiNeedsHugs1031



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Body Worship, Caring Dean Winchester, Cas loves Dean, Castiel Has Panic Attacks, Crying Castiel, Dean Loves Cas, Dean Winchester Realizes His Feelings For Castiel, Depressed Castiel, Depression, Destiel - Freeform, Emotional Castiel, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling Castiel, Falling In Love, Feels, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Smut, Groping, Human Castiel, Hurt/Comfort, Love, Love Confessions, Loving Dean, Loving Dean Winchester, M/M, Men Crying, Men of Letters Bunker, Panic Attacks, Praise Kink, Sexy Times, Smut, cas feels, fucking season 9 reliving feels, that fucking season 8 finale, you fucking SPN writers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-23
Updated: 2016-10-09
Packaged: 2018-07-16 19:04:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7280923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LokiNeedsHugs1031/pseuds/LokiNeedsHugs1031
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cas falls, he's human, and Dean (and his unrequited love) takes care of the fallen angel</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I have this Tuesday ritual with my little sister, she's not caught up with SPN so we watch three or four episodes every week. We got to the end of Season 8 and then the first couple episodes of season 9. Feels came up and I had to write more human Castiel in the bunker where Dean actually TAKES care of Cas.

            He got the call from Cas finally, after the failed trials, angels falling like beautiful, imperfect stars. Sam pleading for Cas’ status as well in the midst of ‘letting go’ of those trials. The coughing, the bleeding of his mouth, and pale features melting away with the acceptance that it wouldn’t work without Sam dying.

            After Dean was all but sure Sammy was fine, came the stabbing fear of the whereabouts of Cas. And it was days, days and no word. Dean knew that Cas had fallen. How could he have not? Had one of those streaks of light across the sky been him?

            Dean thought surely he would go mad. Then there was the call. A call that insured that Cas was alive. ALIVE. There wasn’t anything. No heaven. No hell. That could keep Dean from driving straight to Cas. He’d urged Cas, fuck that, begged him, to stay at the pay phone and to not move. To not talk to anyone. To not make waves or draw attention to himself. To simply stay there.

            Dean thought surely he would be sick more than once as he kept his foot pressed to the gas pedal of the Impala all the way there. All the way. It was a three-hour drive that took less than two. It was nearing night time, sun setting red and bloody in the west when he pulled into the gas station, and he took immediate note to the ‘Superman’ looking like payphone cattycorner to the ‘Merle’s car repair’ that Cas had mentioned.

            He leapt out of the car, slamming the door of Baby and eyes scattering around, trying to catch sight of the trench coat, the messy hair, those absolutely perfect blue eyes. And then finally, with the flashing ‘closed’ sign near blinding him, he saw what he was searching for, perched on the steps. But Cas wasn’t adorned in his usual ‘tax accountant’ attire, instead, looking disheveled and soaked, dressed in a worn out hoodie and jeans.

            “Cas!” Dean sprinted towards the steps.

            Cas rose, wobbly and weak. There was blood crusting at his temple and his lip was split. There had been no first aid that was immediately clear, “The owner allowed me…” but he was caught off guard as Dean gathered him into his arms.

            “Cas, oh Cas,” Dean mumbled into his dirty shoulder, “Are you hurt? I mean of course you’re hurt, but hurt bad?” he pulled away to survey the former angel’s face.

            Cas’ pink tongue darted out over his split lip and he winced, “N-Not bad…it hurts though…Dean,” his blurring blue eyes finally met with impossible green, “It hurts.”

            “What happened? Did someone hurt you, or was this, when, you know…” he couldn’t bring himself to say the words.

            “I was attacked,” Cas’ eyes cast to the ground, but that was the end of it.

            “Come on,” Dean tried to deny he trembled, one arm around Cas’ shoulders, pulling him to his chest, lips buried in hair that smelled of blood and soil and sweat, “We’re going home.”

            Cas’ damp blue eyes shot upward, “But…you’re angry with me…I-I…”

            “It doesn’t matter,” Dean snapped, hands cradling both sides of Cas’ face, “It doesn’t matter…we’re going home…you and me.”

            Cas didn’t understand the burning and swelling beneath his eyes, but he nodded anyway, “Alright.”

            The entirety of the ride home Dean didn’t let go of Cas, kept him near flush at his side. When they arrived, nothing changed. Dean hurried his dirty and stained clothed body down the iron stairs, almost bypassing Sammy’s concerned, borderline threats of ‘what happened.

            “They fell, didn’t they,” Sam murmured, grief stricken eyes locking with Castiel.

            “Yeah, they did, can we drop it for now? Come on,” Dean growled, without even thinking leading Cas down the long hallway, “I’m getting you cleaned up.”

            “Dean,” Cas thought he might have spoken, but the prospects of a bath were far too inviting to protest. He’d traveled for days and he ached in ways he didn’t think existed, and the kicks and punches he received run loudly with pain. It was a pain that he had never experienced.

            “Sit here,” Dean situated him on the closed toilet, “Gonna get you clothes, stay.”

            Cas did as told, his eyes fallen on his bloodied hands. Bleeding. They were bleeding, long, prominent lines of crimson along his palms. His throat got tight. Very tight. What was that?

            Dean returned, he had a towel, t-shirt, pants, and boxers in hands.

            “Okay, have you ever…ya know?” he gestured towards the tub, “Cas?” he said again when Cas’ eyes ventured to the floor.

            “No,” Cas gulped, “I-I’ve never had to…”

            Dean stopped him with one upturned hand, “That’s okay, no problem,” Dean answered automatically, he filled the tub with warm water before turning back to Cas, “Can’t do this clothed, right?”

            Cas wanted to retort, something snarky as he thought would be expected but he couldn’t, he felt broken. Oh God, he was human. He was. No angel needed this. No angel needed help. Not like this. With something so simple as bathing.

            “Cas, it’s okay if you need help,” Dean offered, “Come on,” his hands moved forward without asking, he pushed the muddied hoodie away, as well as the too thin t-shirt that was spattered with soil and blood and rain. Cas’ cheeks, for the first time ever, burned crimson with his nakedness but Dean said nothing. He worked in a friendly, clinical way, “Get in, come on, you’ll feel better.” Dean said, eyes still bright and hands outstretched.

            “Dean,” Cas found himself choking, looking down at yes, his very human body. So very human. It seemed that before it was just a vessel and he thought nothing about it. But he felt _everything_ now, this was his body now.

            “Cas,” Dean gave a flicker of a smile in attempts to put him at ease, “Nothing I haven’t seen before huh? Come on,” he eased Cas into the tub once he was completely naked, “What hurts?”

            “My head, my hands…my-my,” Cas swallowed, “Everything….it seems.”

            “Nothing a good night’s sleep won’t fix,” Dean offered, albeit not too convincing, he soaped up the rag in his hand, thick with bubbles, “Look here.” Dean washed away the dirt and blood, “Lean your head back,” Dean took a breath, trying to keep his eyes Northern, as he soaped up the dark locks of Cas’ hair, “This okay?”

            Dean did not miss the tremble in Cas’ voice as he closed his eyes, “Yes,” he said, turning his head against the porcelain away from Dean.

            “Cas, hey,” Dean near whispered, “Look at me,” when Cas didn’t comply Dean reached forward and steered his gaze to his own with a grip to his chin, “It’s okay, no matter what, you’re safe here. No one, nothing, no matter human or supernatural is getting to you. Got it? I gotcha. No matter what.”

            Cas once against swallowed that rising pressure that was aching to be released, “Yes Dean, thank you.”

            Dean hurried him out of the tub, shocked with the ability to actually do this without blushing like an idiot. Dressing Cas in his sweatpants and a favorite band T.

            “You hungry?” Dean asked without thinking as he rubbed a towel over Cas’ spikey dark hair, still crazy damp.

            “I-I… I think so, I have found my stomach hurts when it is empty, and I have not had much to eat in the last few days. It has been scarce to find,” Cas licked his lips.

            When Cas’ stomach growled, Dean smiled, “That…that’s hungry,”

 

~~~~~~~~

            Four pieces of pizza later Cas began to lull forward, long after Dean had said his goodnights to Sammy. Making sure he’d made it to his room, without fever, no blood, no coughing. He made his way back to the kitchen, “Cas, hey, bedtime. I fixed you up a room.”

            When they stopped outside of the room that was across from Dean’s room, Cas felt that earlier trembling returning, “Dean…” Cas’ much too wide blue eyes were quickly becoming wet, a little less sleepy looking than they had before.

            Dean’s brow furrowed, “Cas, what’s wrong?” he paused, studying Cas’ face, “You don’t feel like being on your own do you?” he asked, no joking behind his question,

            “No, I mean, I’ll be just fine, I just…” Cas almost whispered, ringing both his hands, standing in the hallway. Looking so naked and lost. Bare feet shuffling, and eyes on the floor.

            Dean resigned quickly, “Hey, it’s alright,” Dean gestured, eyes too on the floor, but both hands out gesturing, “Come on.”

            “Dean, I do not wish to inconvenience you,” Cas gulped.

            Dean moved forward and took Cas’ hand, leading him into his room, “It’s nothing,” Cas’ hand still firmly in his own, he pulled the sheets back, turning the fan on, situating the night light. After all that, Cas was still standing there, looking like he had that time he’d taken him into a brothel. Terrified. He sighed and moved forward, he tugged Cas to the bed, “Lie down, Cas.”

            “But this is your bed Dean,” Cas stuttered.

            “Yeah, it is,” Dean threw back the sheets, “Get in.”

            Cas did as told, stiffly lying on his back, as soon as he was beneath the cool, wonderfully smelling cloth he was fiddling with the sheets as Dean settled beside him. He heard Dean huff a laugh.

            “Cas, relax, it’s just sleep,” Dean smiled, keeping his voice warm and soft.

            And Cas admired that smile, the crinkling at the corners of Dean’s eyes, and slight dimples that made themselves present. A rush of panic trilled up his throat. He thought he’d find comfort. He thought he’d go numb with the prospect of finally being safe. Not on the streets, but safe. But he didn’t. And it came down like a tidal wave. Wave after wave. He was human. He’d locked his brothers and sisters out of heaven. And it was all his fault. All of it.

            “Cas!” Dean’s voice arrived over the onslaught of hate, “Hey!”

            “This is all my fault Dean,” Cas cried. There was this warm, dampness running down his face. His eyes were leaking, his chest was heaving, he couldn’t breathe, “What is this? W-what is wrong?”

            “Cas, shhh, you’re crying, this is crying,” Dean hushed, “And I’m not an expert on the subject but I think you’re having a panic attack. It’s alright, it all comes with that human thing we were talking about,” Dean started to smirk, but when Cas gulped loud, an almost violent hiccup he sobered, “Cas, hey, hey, hey, shhhh,”

            Cas launched up from the bed, near stumbling, the last few days of utter terror taking firm hold, “I’m nothing, nothing at all, I caused this, I should be destroyed! I should be dead! Dean, you should kill me! I’m not w-worthy to be alive!”

            Dean tossed the sheets aside and as he stood he clutched the crying man to his chest to keep him from fleeing further, “Castiel, stop it,” full name on purpose, “No one is killing you, you got that?!” he spat angrily. “You’re with me, you’re safe. This wasn’t your fault, it wasn’t your fault.”

            “How was it not?!” Cas sobbed, and without even meaning to he buried into Dean’s chest, “It was my grace that cause this, my blinding trust that caused this!”

            “You we’re only doing what you thought was right…” Dean nearly growled, “Like you did before. I should have recognized that after the crypt when you ran…you were only trying to help. And I should have let you apologize and then told you it wasn’t your fucking fault, shouldn’t have been a dick. Angel, you’re alright, don’t-don’t blame yourself…you were only trying to fix the problem. You’re not bad…and you didn’t deserve this…” Dean’s heart felt bruised, he’d let Cas think that all of this was his fault. That he’d betrayed him, even though he’d been brainwashed, none of that had been if his own doing. And then flying, running, hiding. Not trying to be ‘god’ again or ‘the hero’.  In all actuality he was trying to protect humanity and that included Dean.

            “Dean, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry,” Cas sobbed harshly, fists bunching up Dean’s t-shirt and tugging without even knowing he was doing so, “I can’t breathe…I-I-I don’t understand I can’t-can’t…Dean…so alone, I’m so alone…”

            “Shhhh,” Dean soothed, “Breathe, Cas, breathe,” he kissed his temple without thinking, pulling him close to his chest once more, with both hands he tracing firm, shapeless circles onto Cas’ back, which seemed to help. He took both of Cas’ hands in his own, untangling them from the fabric, unconsciously intertwining them with his own.

            “Dean, I-I…there was a reason I couldn’t…in the crypt…that I couldn’t,” Cas clung tighter to avoid eye contact but Dean was pulling away fast enough, their fingers still interlocked.

            “Cas,” Dean exhaled, as soon as they made eye contact.

            “Dean,” Cas cried, eyes tumbling endlessly with tears, “I-I…”

            “It’s okay,” Dean whispered, their foreheads nearly touching, and then he was just plunging forward. Capturing those chapped, plump lips, hand tangled in dark hair, thumb caressing the firm, sharp jaw.

            And Cas was crying against the wet, willing mouth against his own, and kissing back. He near lost sight when their tongues touched.

            “Dean,” Cas sobbed, yes sobbed, “I love you.”

            Dean licked and nipped in hopes to stay the continuing flow of tears, “Yeah, Cas, I love you too, have for a long time and I’m so stupid,” he pulled him closer than close, “I love you so much, you’re not going anywhere, right? Nowhere.”

            “Nowhere,” Cas shook, burying his face into Dean’s neck, fingers finding their way beneath the confounds of t-shirts as he wound his arms around Dean’s waist, “Don’t ever let me go.”

            “Never,” Dean murmured into the soft flesh of Cas’ throat, “I need you here.”

            “I need you here as well, please,” Cas hiccupped, cries leaping from his throat without warrant.

            “Shhh, Cas, don’t cry, I don’t want you to cry. You’re safe here, no more coldness, no more loneliness, it’s you and me. You and me sweetheart, got it? We’re it.”

            “Dean,” Cas snuffled, clutching painfully, hot, damp breath filling up his senses, “I don’t wish to return to heaven. Even if…if we can fix this.  I only want you. I don’t wish to go back. Please…”

            Dean thought he might start crying as well, was sure of it, his face felt hot and his eyes too full, he held Cas tighter, “Never again, you’re never leaving me again.”     

            “I love you,” Cas cried again, because he wasn’t sure there was anything else that could tumble out of his mouth. He was only aware that he was snug once more beneath the covers when he felt lips to his forehead.

            “Cas, shhh, close your eyes, close’em, I’m here I’ll always be here,” Dean murmured against the shell of his ear, placing a kiss there. He pulled both the blanket and the sheets up higher over Cas’ shaking body. His own mind he knew, should be reeling, but oddly was not. He had never felt this calm with the warm body above him, comfortably snug against his side.

            Cas inhaled unsteadily, and willed his eyes to close, trying so very hard to focus on the nimble fingers caressing his back and gentle words being whispered into his ear. And with such comfort and exhaustion, sleep scooped him away quickly.

             


	2. Tell Me Like It Is

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean takes care of Cas, Cas eases into being human

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I wrote this because readers wanted more ;) So you better review because I WROTE this because you asked!!!! Love you guys!!!

Dean startled awake, and he realized quickly that his right arm was completely numb, due to the dark haired man curled tightly at his side. Cas’ face was lax and serene, his mouth slightly open, soft sleepy breaths coming out in quiet huffs. Dean removed his arm as carefully as he could from beneath Cas’ pillow. He half expected Cas to tumble out of his sleep but he gave a barely decipherable groan, rolled towards the warmth of Dean’s side.

            Dean laughed softly at that action, he’d never seen Cas sleep like this, not completely relaxed like this. Human. Not low on mojo angel. Dean glanced at the glaring red numbers of his alarm clock that read 11 am. Had he really slept 12 hours?! He hadn’t even moved, not once during the night. He didn’t get stuck with his usual four hours. And Cas had slept too. Dean was a light sleeper he would have known if the former angel had got out of the bed.

            He carded his fingers through the messy locks that were sticking up everywhere, as if he’d stuck his finger in an outlet. It reminded Dean of when they first met, that day in the barn. When had Cas decided that he needed a comb? Dean liked it, he smiled as Cas groaned happily in his sleep, snuggling closer, if that were even possible.

            “Dean…” Cas murmured.

            “Yeah, Cas, it’s me,” Dean kept his voice low, “How you feelin?”

            “Mmm,” he murmured, his eyes still closed.

            Dean laughed, “A little more detail?”

            Cas blindly searched for Dean’s hand, retrieved it and put it back in his hair, “Feels good…”

            Dean shook his head, still smiling, and continued to lightly scratch Cas’ head, “You like that?”

            “Mhmm,” Cas inhaled deeply, another moan escaping his chapped lips.

            “Can you maybe speak an actual sentence for me?” Cas only answered by pushing his head up against Dean’s hand. When Dean heard Cas’ stomach growl, his smile widened, “I think your stomach has other ideas about you staying in bed any longer.”

            Finally, and it looked as though Cas’ eye lid were like glue, blue eyes opened appearing blurry and rested.

            “Hey there,” Dean said, leaning forward and kissing his forehead, his nose, and then his lips.

            “Hello Dean,” Cas replied, “Waking up is nearly as difficult as falling asleep.”

            “You’ll get the hang of it, how about a late breakfast? I’ll show you how to make eggs, how’s that sound?”

            “I have never had eggs,” Cas’ brow furrowed.

            “That’s okay, you’ll love the way I make’em,” he gave a playful wink, “Come on.”

            Dean hopped out of bed, but Cas was still slow moving, arching his back and stretching his arms above his head, “I feel cold Dean,” Cas frowned before he even knew he was doing it.

            As soon as his mouth turned, Dean’s did as well, “I can help with that,” Dean went to the closet and was swishing hangers across the metal bar, “Here we go,” he pulled out a robe, he moved back to the bed and draped the article over Cas’ shoulders, “Put your arms through there, and there, stand up for a second.”

            Cas did as told and Dean wrapped the warm cloth around his torso and tied a belt at his waist, he fluffed up the collar so it cradled Cas’ throat “Better?”

            Cas smiled, “Better.” He would admit that sleep did help with his panic, his heart wasn’t fluttering wildly like the night before. However, his aches and pains were still humming. Not being able to heal at the touch of his hand was something he would never get used to.

            “Hey,” Dean’s voice broke through the reverie, he kissed Cas’ cheek, “Let’s eat.”

 

            Cas and Dean met Sam in the kitchen, he was clad in his running shorts and shirt, “You guys are up late, it’s almost noon,” he eyed them with suspicion. He knew Dean had set Cas up a room, but when Sam went to check in on the ex-angel, he was nowhere to be found. When he noticed Dean’s door closed, usually open a crack, he knew the two must have bunked together. What that entailed he wasn’t sure. What he did take immediate note of, Cas was wearing Dean’s robe and was adorning sex hair, dark and spiked in every direction, “You two get some sleep I gather?”

            Dean delivered a glare of warning, “Yeah, we did.” And he left it at that, “Have you already eaten? Since you’re a freak and already went running, of which, by the way, you should be resting not exercising.”

            “Yeah, I already ate and I did rest, but it was the first time in forever I had energy. It felt good to get out and hit the pavement.”

            “You’re sick,” Dean said, shaking his head, “Okay Cas, let’s do this, get the eggs from the fridge and milk. We got any bread?”

            “Yep, also went on a supply run, we had nothin’ here,” Sam answered, currently chugging one of his health smoothies.

            “Oh, hell yeah, we’re making French toast too,” Dean grinned, searching for the needed pans.

            “Why is it called ‘French’ toast?” Cas asked, with that adorable tilting of his head more than verbalizing his confusion.

            “You know, I don’t know,” Dean shrugged.

            Once they were both at the kitchen stove, Dean lit the gas, blue and green flames circling the coil, “We heat up the pan first, we need to add cinnamon sugar to the egg, then dip the bread in that. Can you do that?”

            “I think so,” Cas nodded.

            Like anything else Cas ever did, his face was stone serious as he did as Dean told him to do, handing him the soggy pieces of toast one by one, “Cas, relax, it ain’t brain surgery.”

            They got the toast done and then Dean was instructing on how scrambled eggs were done, adding bacon to the pan as well. Once he was sure Cas could handle it, he let him take over as he poured orange juice and coffee, setting cups and mugs to the table.

            As luck would have it, as soon as Dean had his focus elsewhere, he heard Cas yelp. He was standing away from the countertop, holding his hand.

            “Okay, okay, no big deal,” Dean was at his side in a second, he took the pan off the stove and led Cas to the sink, running the water as cold as it would go, “Just hold that under there for a few minutes.”

            Cas huffed loudly, his eyes growing wet, “I can’t do anything right…”

            “Cas, hey, look at me,” Dean ducked down to capture his gaze, “It was an accident, I’ve done that more times than I can count.” He gently stroked the pulse point of his wrist, he moved forward and pressed a slow and deliberate kiss at the corner of Cas’ jaw, he could feel the tremble of panic edging on the surface.

            Cas gulped loudly, taking a deep shuddering breath, “I’m sorry…”

            “Don’t apologize, let me have a look,” he said, examining the tips of his red fingers, “Not too bad, shouldn’t even blister.”

            Cas exhaled roughly again, “I-I did not wish to ruin our first breakfast together…”

            “You didn’t ruin anything babe,” Dean smiled, in hopes that it would draw one forth from Cas, thankfully it did.

            It took some time, but soon enough the incident was forgotten.

            “I like this very much Dean,” Cas grinned, running his tongue over his pink bottom lip to catch some fallen syrup.

            Dean’s eyes traced that movement, “I’m glad Cas, wanted your first breakfast to be special. We don’t usually have time to make stuff like this when we're out on a hunt,” he reached across the table and took Cas’ hand, bringing the lightly dressed fingers tips to his lips, “While we're on the subject, I think it’s smart we lay low for a while, let you get on your feet.”

            Cas’ face fell, but only slightly, “Perhaps that would be smart.”

            “How about a walk? You feel up to going out?” Dean turned Cas’ hands over and massaged both thumbs across his life lines.

            “If it is safe to do so,” Cas replied, studying the motions of Dean’s fingers.

            “Nobody and nothing is out here, Cas, we’re safe, come on there’s a nice wooded area around out back that I haven’t checked out yet.”

            The two got dressed, and Dean thought, he’d never be able to take his eyes off his angel, dressed in a sloped neck black shirt and jeans. He took his hand in his own, intertwining their fingers, “Nothing to worry about Cas,” he reminded.

            They walked for a long time, through the thickly wooded area and came across a stream, “There is so much life here, I’ve always enjoyed the hum of cicadas.” Cas took a deep breath, closing his eyes, “It is strange, I’m closed off to so very much, but then open on another level. I am not simply an observant, I feel what is around me. The sun feels different, warm, and I can smell everything. The water, I can smell its coolness,” he crouched down and let the water thread through his fingertips.

            “Let’s sit here awhile then,” Dean said, he sat down behind Cas and tugged him backwards into his lap.

            “Dean, I…” Cas started, squeezing the arms around him.

            “Yeah Cas?” Dean rested his chin on Cas’ shoulder, closing his eyes and nuzzling his hair.

            “Thank you…for taking me in…I was so afraid that you wouldn’t let me come here…after all that happened…”

            “Hey, hey, hey,” Dean interrupted, “What did I tell you last night? It’s okay, I’m just glad you’re here, that you’re here and safe. None of that other shit matters, _none_ of it,” He kissed Cas’ exposed neck once, then twice, “You have no idea how happy you make me.”

            Cas turned his head to capture Dean’s gaze, “As am I.”

 

            The next month or so consisted of daily chores, no real hunts, and it fell quickly into a routine that Dean wasn’t complaining about. He found himself immensely enjoying teaching Cas all the little things. In some ways it made him feel younger, at heart more than anything. He remembered teaching Sammy these very same things. Sam seemed to enjoy it too, he was more than willing to teach Cas all about computers and to better use his phone. Dean was picking up the living room, Wednesday had been deemed ‘clean house day’ when he heard his name being shouted desperately down the hallway.

            “Dean!” Cas’ voice rang loudly against the cement walls, “I can’t make it stop!”

            Dean was running down the hallway, the voice coming from, he quickly calculated was the laundry room. He fully intended to stop, but the suds leaking out of the doorway had him sailing well past the laundry room, “Shit!” he shouted, ass hitting the floor and he was able to turn a certain way as to not hit his head, “What the hell Cas?!”

            “I’m sorry Dean, I’m so sorry, I-I didn’t read it right, I don’t think….” Cas stuttered, and he was scooping bubbled from the machine as if transferring them to the neighboring sink would lessen their output.

            With a groan Dean pushed up from the floor, “How many cups did you put in?”

            “I-I thought you added a cup for every clothes item, it-it made sense at the time…”

            “No, Cas, no, and this cleaner is the concentrated stuff, Jesus,” he nearly slipped again as he stood up, and maneuvered his way into the room, he turned the knobs off on the washer and switched it to ‘rinse’.

            “Dean, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” Cas was spatting and to Dean’s horror he’d begun to cry.

            “Cas,” Dean moved forward, cupping Cas’ face in his hands, “Shhh, it’s okay, I’m not mad!”

            Cas hiccupped, both of his hands over Dean’s, covered in the bubbly substance, “I can’t do anything that is human, right! You’d think that I’d never observed you for thousands of years!”

            Dean couldn’t help it, he laughed, “Sweetheart, look at me,” he held Cas’ face firm, “Look at me.”

            Cas did, tears pouring hotly down his cheeks and breaking away the bubble in troublesome paths, “I’m so stupid.”

            “No, you are not,” Dean turned serious, “How clean is this shit gonna be? So clean we’ll have awesome smelling clothes and towels for weeks!”

            “I did not perform it correctly,” Cas sniffled.

            “Yeah, baby, that’s being human, and there’s nothing wrong with it!” Dean corrected, “Let’s just let the bubbles do what they want, it’s on rinse, this laundry room is gonna smell awesome.” He grinned madly, “Cas, it’s funny, not a problem, not a mistake, I love you.”

            Cas looked up, dark hair all mussed and wet, sticking up in every direction, his clothes soaked, “I love you too.”

            “Don’t apologize ever, about learning these things, you got that?”

            “Yes, Dean,” Cas smirked and yes, laughed when Dean pulled him forward easily on the slick floor into a tight hug. Cas, startled, burst out in laughter as he crashed into Dean’s chest.

            “Let’s get you out of these wet clothes,” Dean said, kissing him carefully, they hadn’t moved forward with anything but just that, kissing. And Dean was careful to not push it.

            “Dean, what’s wrong?” Cas asked, when Dean pushed him away slightly, his palms pressed to his forearms.

            “Nothing Cas, nothing’s wrong,” Dean huffed, “I don’t wanna spook you…”

            “Spook me from what?” Cas took a breath

            “All this intimate stuff I don’t wanna scare you,”

            “I’m not scared,” Cas breathed, “Touch me, kiss me, make me feel like I’m supposed to as a human. I want that, please.”

            Dean could barely resist the wet shirt clinging to Cas’ torso, hips prominent, oh those hips, “Bedroom,” Dean found himself murmuring, walking backwards Dean lead them to the bedroom. He tugged at the hem of Cas’ t-shirt and freed him quickly. And sweet holy mother of God. Cas was even more beautiful half naked, dark nipples, one freckle, one beautiful freckle and sharp perfect hips. Without thinking he was pushing Cas to the bed, leaning forward and kissing him breathless. His lips stayed there for a while, leaving him pliant, and then he couldn’t help it, his mouth wanted to explore. He nipped and bit at the tanned throat, lips trailing kisses down his throat, nipping and biting at his sternum, wanting more than anything to make it to those hips. Those beautiful, perfect, sharp hips. When he arrived, Cas bucked as he sucked the thin flesh into his mouth, “Castiel,” Dean hummed, “You are perfect, gorgeous, these hips, oh you have no idea how many times I have envisioned having my mouth. Right. Here.” He punctuated with kisses, his tongue wandered lower, way below his boxers, into the crease of his thigh. He pulled the boxers away. He urged Cas’ leg upwards and continued his trail of kisses that led below his penis.

            Cas whined, eyes pinched shut, and fingers threaded and clenched in Dean’s short strands, “I-I don’t know…what to do…”

            “Relax,” Dean huffed hot breath over said hips, “Relax, I’m taking care of you, you don’t need to do anything. Nothing at all,” he stripped away Cas’ damp clothes, marred from the washer incident with ease.

            “Dean, I-I, w-what is, I don’t know, what this is, what if I do it wrong?” Cas whimpered, his legs closed with doubt.

            Dean urged his legs apart, both palms doing so, “You can’t do this wrong angel, stop it, this is for you, all of it. I’ll make you feel good.” He smirked against the thin flesh of Cas’ thigh that had him whining, he moved achingly slow from his pelvis and then his lips were on the head of Cas’ penis. His tongue darted out tentatively, and circled the head that was leaking pre-cum, he lapped it up and Cas was writhing.

            “Dean, please, please, what’s happening…”

            “Good things, all good things,” Dean, unlike anything he’d ever done, took Cas in his mouth and he hummed around Cas’ length. He’d never gone down on a guy, but he’d had his share of blow jobs and he knew what he liked. Cas wasn’t complaining as to what he was doing so he kept going.

            “Dean,” Cas straight up sobbed, “I don’t understand…” his back arched almost painfully, his hands tangled in Dean’s hair, urging him forward without knowing why, “Dean, I-I d-don’t know what’s happening…” blood was pooling into his abdomen, a pressure he gasped at, and then he was releasing without control.

            Dean smirked, taking him down without any trouble, “I know you don’t know what’s happening, I wanted you to feel that.” He kissed Cas’ tummy, his belly button, he made slow track up his torso, “You okay?”

            “Yes, I just…it was only for me…what about you?” Cas asked, brow furrowed in that so serious manner that made Dean laugh.

            “That was for you sweetheart,” Dean smirked with a wink, carefully pinning Cas’ arms above his head, “Only you, I can wait.”

            “I love you Dean,” Cas felt his eyes burning, heart still trying to find a regular rhythm.

            “I love you too angel,” Dean answered, holding him close.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE REVIEW!!!!


	3. A Discovering of Strength

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean has done so much for Cas, so Cas wants to return the favor. Not just for Dean but for himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So hey guys, I thought I'd finished this but I had a review on FFnet and got this wonderful idea. So I really really hope ya'll like :) PLEASE review and tell me what ya think <3 Love you guys!!!!

            It took time, there was no doubt there, for Cas to find his way around the bunker ‘the human way’. It had been two months since he fell. He’d figured out, for the most part, how to cook, clean, and better use automatic weapons given that he had been so use to accessing his grace before. Most importantly his panic attacks were few and farther in between. That had been the most comforting, that he could make it through the night without screaming.

            “Cas, where you at?” he heard Dean’s voice down the hall.

            “Library!” Cas called out, he was half way through a book called ‘Frankenstein’, a classic that Sam had recommended. Suffice it to say he found it intriguing and he remembered something Sam had said that it was important, to keep himself busy, either physically or mentally. If they were not on a hunt, doing research, he read constantly. The brothers had gone on a hunt, only two towns over, and after much convincing they went. Cas admitted to himself that he wasn’t ready, and even though reluctantly, much convincing on Cas’ part Dean left with Sam. Dean called him constantly the whole three days he was gone. Texts too that made Cas smile, slightly naughty texts (after Sam had gone to sleep, Dean had said) and that was enough to make Cas feel as if he weren’t alone in the large, cold, bunker he hadn’t quite marked as home yet.

            “Of course you’re in here, when are you not?” Dean smiled, making his way to the couch, bending at the waist to kiss the former angel on the mouth. As always, as in every time Cas fell into the kiss as if it were oxygen, he melted. All his time in existence, all his vast knowledge of humanity did not teach him this action right here. The simple act of a kiss, the way Dean’s mouth was slightly warmer than his own, lip softer and thinner, his taste. And when Dean added a hand into the equation, threading rough fingers through his hair, he sighed with higher pitch to his voice and content, safe, wanted. Cas had been a virgin through and through when he and Dean began extracurricular activities, and he wasn’t so much surprised as he was comforted by the fact that Dean never pushed. Also, Dean’s first and foremost goal in the bedroom was to make Cas happy. Sated, for lack of a better word. Dean may not have known but Cas was slowly but surely taking mental notes, because he only wanted to make the man he loved happy and as well-loved as himself.

            “You have a good day today?” Dean’s voice broke the silence as well as the kiss, “You’re really in your own head.”

            That was Dean’s way of asking ‘any panic attacks today’, “I’m fine,” Cas answered, “Merely thinking, were you able to find the source of the poltergeist?”

            Dean shrugged off his jacket, “Yeah, was a bitch though, object was a hair brush and it took a helluva lot of convincing on Sammy’s part for her to give it up.”

            “Well, all that matters is that the two of you were able to resolve the case. She may have not liked it but it is selfish to let a being wonder this earth so angry.” Cas answered.

            Dean leaned in for another kiss, tracing a thumb over Cas’ lower lip after he’d pulled away, “You sure you’re okay?”

            “Yes, why do you ask?”

            “Because I never asked enough before and I’m catching up, besides, you got left behind this time. I didn’t like leaving you alone. Did you live on TV dinners the whole time?” Dean smirked.

            Cas shook his head, “I was able to make the eggs you showed me, that was sufficient enough.”

            “You ate _eggs_ the entire time we were gone?! Oh, sweetheart, you are getting a good dinner tonight.”

            “Dean, no, you’re tired,” Cas argued, brow furrowing.

            “I want to,” Dean interrupted, kissing him a third time, “I’m gonna take a shower, those motel joints suck at water pressure I feel stale.”

            Cas made a whine of disappointment when he moved away, “Dean…”

            “I didn’t say _alone_ , come on,” he winked, reaching out a hand.

            And like every other time they had sex, Dean was everything that was attentive. Mapping out every inch of Cas’ body with fervor, but always in control. Making Cas the one to beg and moan. Cas was more than satisfied, always was, but something was missing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            Dean had made burgers, the recipe that by now he had perfected in their time in the bunker. Even Sam, who was so big on his salads, ate with gusto.

            “Good?” Dean smiled which easily garnered a smile from Cas, who nodded, “Well, we should be bunker bound for a while I’d think.”

            That made Cas unconsciously press closer to Dean at his side, and without thinking laying his head to Dean’s shoulder. When Dean didn’t flinch and Sam didn’t seem too care he smiled again, closing his eyes and nuzzling closer into the clean cotton of Dean’s flannel, his nose slightly grazing the exposed flesh of Dean’s throat. Cas’ smile widened when Dean shivered. He’d never shivered like that before.

            Sam took the dishes from the table, stacked them on top of one another. Cas took advantage of the fact that the younger brother had moved away and pressed his lips to that same spot that was the crease between the human’s throat and shoulder, only slightly sticking his tongue out and grazing there. Dean made a small, very minute yelp and Cas had to hold back a laugh.

            In a rare act of boldness Cas pressed his lips to the shell of Dean’s ear, “I want to go to bed _now._ ”

            Dean, wide eyed, turned to Cas, licking his lips, “W-What?”

            “Bed, now,” Cas reiterated, brow rising over one too blue eye.

            “So guys,” Sam started.

            “Think we’re gonna turn in early,” Dean interrupted, not breaking eye contact with the ex-angel, “B-Been a long day don’t you think?”

            Sam snorted, “Yeah, long day, get the hell out of here.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~

            Cas found it infinitely delightful that he had Dean completely flustered. After all, so far, that had been Dean’s his entire intention whenever they were intimate.

            Dean had that usual ‘take charge’ look about him as Cas led him into the bedroom. When Cas pushed him to the bed Dean made a low grunt of surprise as his bottom hit the bed, “Lie still,” Cas spoke softly, pressing a palm to Dean’s chest, he dipped down and captured the human’s lips and kissed him into oblivion. He may have not known other spots but kissing he knew well, if he sucked Dean’s bottom lip, all the while cradling his face he could have him completely motionless. With this advantage he pulled away Dean’s flannel, urging it recklessly down and away from Dean’s arms, before testing fingertips along the hem, skimming Dean’s hips before yanking it upwards and away from Dean’s body.

            “What has gotten into you?” Dean started to ask before his question was swallowed up by Cas’ mouth.

            “I wish to try something, and I do not want you to intrude. You are always so astute to touch, to taste…you have not allowed me the same luxury. I wish to eradicate that. So please, do as I say,” and as Cas vocalized the command he guided Dean’s hands above his head. Just when Cas thought Dean might protest he kissed that ‘place’ firmly and circled his tongue and Dean melted. Dean went completely lax to the bed, “You have been so wonderful,” Cas began, kissing his forehead, both cheeks, tracking the bones there and then his lips, “You would do me such a service to do the same.”

            “Cas I don’t…” and then he groaned loudly when Cas latched onto the pulse point of his throat, “I-I don’t do that out of some servitude.”

            “I know that,” Cas growled, nipping that same place, raising a small welt a delightful shade of pink and purple, “But you have not allowed me to do as I wish. I want to explore your body as you have done mine.  I would like to do so. Every. Inch.”

            “Fuck,” Dean made the same semblance of growling, “No, it’s not like that,” he gripped Cas’ arms and forced him to face him, “It ain’t like that, sweetheart…it’s about making you feel good. You haven’t for so long when I should have. I fucking should have,” he shook his head, “I should have been fucking worshipping your body and I wasn’t…”

            Cas bit his own bottom lip and then dipped down and captured Dean’s mouth, “These last few months, you’ve done more than enough and I love you. Now I’m loving you, and you will let me.”

            “Cas,” Dean shuddered.

            “No, you are letting me worship you and you will accept it,” Cas snapped, and then he didn’t take any time, as Dean’s hands were still pinned above his head he made a slow, careful, deliberate track down Dean’s throat to his chest. His eyes painted over Dean’s chest, he licked, much like Dean had done so many times before, down his throat to his chest and took one nipple in his mouth. He sucked hard, circled his tongue, grazed ever so slightly with his teeth and Dean arched.

            “Cas!”

            Cas moved one hand to the other nipple and pinched and rolled the perk nub between his fingers as he teased the other with is tongue. When Dean’s arms came up Cas captured them, “No,” he growled, “ _Down_. This is for you.” he repeated the words that Dean had so lovingly given on more than one occasion. Dean complied and groaned when Cas pushed his wrists to the bed and attacked his throat.

            Cas worked downwards with his tongue with Dean’s arms still above his head. Cas kissed over his nipples that were already red, and perk, he moved down his torso. He was careful with each kiss. Delivering kisses to his shoulders, to each one before trailing down his chest. He worked his tongue downwards, swirled around Dean’s bellybutton, taking in every moment of his reaction. Every gasp, every shudder, every whimper. “Stay,” he said again, when Dean’s hands attempted to move as Cas slipped his tongue beneath the band of Dean’s boxers. When Cas noticed this had Dean silently begging he did it again, and again, running his tongue underneath the elastic band of Dean’s boxers over and over, each time diving farther and farther.

            “Cas,” Dean whimpered.

            All the power Cas wished to harness came to life with that small utterance, “Stay still,” he pressed kisses along the edge of Dean’s hips, lingering on the junctions of those hips with the smallest of sucking, before soothing with his tongue.

            He rose up from the utter writhing body, claiming Dean’s mouth and then demanding his eye contact, “I am making _you_ feel good.”

            Dean gulped, and nodded, “Cas…I…I never wanted you to feel like you had to…you deserve so much…so much…I wanted you to feel everything that I felt for you. I know…it’s not enough…”

            Cas swallowed roughly, filled with Dean’s affection, “I know. I believe you, but I want to…” he paused, “I want to explore your body, if you would allow me to do so.” he knew Dean was about to ask ‘what is that?’ but then Cas merely worked his way down once more. In some ways he mimicked what Dean would do to his own body, such as tracing his nose down his sternum, halting at the dip of his navel. Dean squeaked when Cas kissed the insides of his thighs, his knees.

            “Cas why…”

            “Just let me…” Cas argued, “And if you do not accept what I say I do believe I will be forced to tie you to the bed. Having you restrained and at my will, at my mercy, begging….I must say is quite intriguing. So do not test me…”

            Dean groaned shamelessly at that comment, “Not saying no to that sweetheart.”

            Cas continued to kiss past his knees, sucking, nipping, licking the insides of his thighs, finding that that particular spot was indeed sensitive. He moved onto his knees caressing his palms over his legs, “I have always enjoyed your unique stance,” Cas smiled, gently blowing breath in wake of the wet trails he was leaving behind. Dean shivered with that action.

            “Is that a nice way of saying you don’t mind that I’m bowlegged?” Dean tried to chuckle but fell short, his head falling back as the lips returned to his flesh.

            “Oh, very much so,” he resumed tracking his lips on increasingly trembling, freckled, skin, his ankles, the tops of his feet. Dean squawked loudly when Cas kissed the tops of his toes and continued his track back up exactly as he has started, “It is an insult on my part to have not explored your body. Yes, I put you back together, piece by piece, but this…this is different and so wonderful.” Cas wanted to say that in this moment he could find what made Dean twitch and tick, moan, laugh, anything. But he didn’t vocalize it. He was mesmerized that he had the power to make Dean speechless, to make him shake in all the right ways. He hadn’t stopped his wandering hands, but had broken eye contact, kneading with his thumbs and forefingers into supple flesh. He kissed the head of Dean’s penis, predictably making Dean buck without thinking.

            “Shhh,” Cas murmured against the sensitive appendage, kissing again and then licking around the crown, “You are so loving, so caring, so devoted.” he punctuated with kisses all around Dean’s length that had his human struggling for breath.

            When Cas took him fully in his mouth Dean keened loudly, arching his back, “Ah Cas!”

            Cas’ goal was to make Dean emit the sounds he himself had done and thus far, due to his diligent observation, he was achieving it all quite well. And he wanted to make his point by making this entire endeavor about Dean. He was somewhat aware of his own arousal, but not as much as he was honed in on Dean’s. And he thought, this is so powerful, so loving, so perfect, he could make Dean feel a way that no one else could.       When Dean’s hand’s came down to tangle in Cas’ hair, Cas relinquished his mouth, moving up the man’s body and locked his arms above his head, “What did I say?” Cas wouldn’t lie, he had felt completely powerless in his new found mortality, but here, now? He felt powerful.

            “Cas,” Dean whispered breathlessly, “Couldn’t help it…”

            Cas kissed his mouth featherlike, running his tongue alone the seam of his lips, keeping Dean’s hands pinned above his head, “You are always saying you do not deserve such affection, such attention, but you are wrong. I have always wished I could do so. Just as you say you would have liked to give to me. It is no different. I should have acted, I should have told you how enamored I am with you.” keeping Dean’s hands in place, he moved his free hand down and gracefully slid slender fingertips over Dean’s cock, deliberately pressing a thumb against the head, playing with the slit that was leaking pre-cum. Since Cas hadn’t the opportunity to investigate such a thing he examined the glistening pearls between his fingers. He locked eyes with Dean and brought his fingers to his lips and sucked two fingers into his mouth, then pulling them out of his own mouth with a loud pop.

            “You are killing me!” Dean groaned, “Cas, please, come one!”

            Cas was certain Dean wasn’t even sure what he was asking. He laced one hand of Deans with his own and pressed it to the bed, when Dean got grabby again he joined Dean’s other with his own and locked them to the bed. He kissed Dean hard, purposeful and moved his right hand down and continued to stroke Dean vigorously, lining them both against each other in a way that had Dean panting and gasping and eventually fighting Cas’ hands.

            “Cas, let me go, come on!” Dean whimpered, arching up into Cas’ knowing fingers that stroked him into near blindness.

            Cas kissed him again, silent, thrusting their tongues together that had Dean without words. Dean came, hard alongside Cas, and huffing breaths of control with Cas saying, “Beautiful, beautiful, so beautiful, Dean, my beautiful Dean,” Cas murmured continuing his kisses as they came down from their highs, kissing as Dean went boneless and limp. Dean’s arms were listlessly holding Cas close, fingers twitching and clenching the flesh of his arms.

            “I love you,” Cas shushed against the flushed ear of Dean, such a lovely shade of red, he noted as he snuck his tongue out to trace the outline of the cartilage, “I love you so much.”

            “I love you too….” Dean exhaled, eyes closed and chest heaving.

            Cas would have given his left arm to be able to clean them up and fall asleep, and so, like Dean usually did, he slipped from Dean’s embrace. He moved quickly into the bathroom and wetted a cloth under hot water and was returning to the bed and bathing at the pinkish skin, spotted with lust.

            “Cas,” Dean rasped, “Come back to bed.”

            “I am,” Cas smiled, tossing the cloth into the sink and quickly tucking himself back underneath the covers and pulling Dean close. What made him even happier was that Dean allowed it, allowed him to be pulled to Cas’ chest without struggle

            “What got into you?” Dean slurred, sleep edging obviously along his consciousness.

            “It is something I have wanted for a long time,” he kissed Dean’s forehead, pulling the blankets up furthers until they were safely cocooned, “You are so beautiful, I think I am allowed to state as such.”

            Dean grumbled something indecipherable, but he did nuzzle against Cas’ naked throat, arms wrapping around the ex-angel’s waist tightly, “Love you.”

            “I love you, always,” Cas sighed, arms tightening around his human, ex-angel or not, he was his human. Always would be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh pretty pretty please review!!!!

**Author's Note:**

> Please oh pretty please review *hugs* *hands cookies*


End file.
